For the most part, I’m doing okay. I’m hanging in there. Every day there is something to be disappointed about or sad about, but I am trying to also be thankful and optimistic every day too. I’ve been feeling physically ill for the past week or so — really nauseous, mostly — so that hasn’t helped, of course. But overall, I’d give myself a solid “okay” if someone were to ask how I’m doing.
I’m glad I had my photography show opening this weekend. It was exhausting, but it was so great to see so many of my friends in one place. I sold some prints and notecards, which was cool, too. If you’d like to check out my work, please visit my site and note that I donate 7% of every sale to charity. Right now, you can use the code FREESHIPMOM in your shopping cart to get free shipping to the U.S. and half-off shipping everywhere else.
I did just have a little moment of anxiety-producing thoughts. I had a moment where I imagined something terrible happening, like my mom having a stroke or something and needing lots of care and attention, and I thought about how I’m not married and an only child and have so little in terms of default support. My friends have truly been wonderful and have helped out in a lot of ways lately, but it’s still so scary to think about handling something like that — even something like the situation I’m currently in, to be honest — totally on my own. For so many years of my life I was the exact opposite of a loner. I always had a ton of friends and was surrounded by people who loved me. Then I reached a point in my life when I didn’t go very long without a serious boyfriend, and then I got really serious with someone my sophomore year in college, and we eventually got married. We did everything together…we were pretty joined at the hip, which became part of our problem in the long run. But I never had to worry about being alone while we were together. Now, I have scary thoughts like being all alone when my mother is much older and nearing the end of her life. When she is gone, I imagine being totally by myself, with nobody to fetch me things from CVS when I’m sick or help take me places if my car breaks down. I guess I’ve kinda been there in a really small way before, right after my ex and I separated, and I had meningitis and was incredibly ill. It was really pitiful, being all by myself and being that sick.
It was really lonely.
Okay, I’m going to stop with the depressing talk now. Bleah. I need to figure out why my tummy is so yucky, and staring at this computer screen isn’t making me feel any better anyway.