c’mon, get happy!

So this will be brief for two reasons:

1. I am getting up early to accompany my parents to my mom’s appointment with her psychiatrist, and
2. The battery on my PowerBook is in the red, nearly dead zone.

I am a changed woman.

No, seriously.

I finished reading this book last night as I sat in the chair of my thermal reconditioning stylist. After paying a pretty penny and leaving with stick-straight hair, I had the drive home to ponder the teachings in the book. Thoughts and feelings swirled around inside me, but they hadn’t really had a chance to completely gel before Guy came over to visit.

I felt like talking. I talked, too much. He seemed tired of talking, and worn, and in a moment, I began to see things more clearly. Why was I choosing to make things so difficult for us both? Why couldn’t I just choose to be happy, and let whatever is going to happen happen?

I’ve been so freaked out and worked up over something that may or may not happen. I have been so afraid of losing Guy, and I have been taking that out on him…putting my happiness in his hands. (In the book, the author uses a really great myth to illustrate this.) As a result, I’ve been pushing him away from me, when all I really want is to bring him closer. I was obviously not doing something right, you know?

So in that moment, sitting on my couch, watching him hold his head in his hands, I realized that I have the power to change things…to allow myself to be happy. I decided I was on a mission for happiness. And when I’m on a mission, look out.

So far, so good. I shared my newfound direction with my friend Wendy over IM today (my last day at work!), and she wished me luck, saying she could never just choose to be happy and all of a sudden be happy. I shared my plan with a co-worker who knows I’ve been dealing with some tough stuff, and she recommended some audiotapes that have helped her accomplish the same goal. She said she would wear “happy” perfume and lotion to remind herself to “be happy!” while she was working on her happiness. Another co-worker overheard our conversation and chimed in with a quote Abraham Lincoln said about being as happy as you make your mind up to be.

I had dinner with my old old friend Andrea, who told me about her trip to Jerusalem and shared some really interesting Jewish history with me. She told me about being afraid she was going to get blown up at a West Bank bus stop, and, as we walked out, she also told me that she could tell I really liked Guy, since I was so interested in making things work…and not giving up.

After dinner with Andrea, I picked up a pint of Guy’s favorite ice cream and stopped by his place. It was refreshingly nice to see him. We chatted and talked about work, about me moving…just about regular stuff, without any arguing or crying or stress.

It was really nice.

I gave him an update on my plan, telling him I felt really good about things today. He told me he would buy me The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama, which is a series of interviews conducted by a psychiatrist. It certainly sounds interesting.

I was able to really smile—for real—when we said goodbye. Not that sad, I’m-hurting-on-the-inside smile I’ve been forcing lately.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I feel like—already—this is kinda working, this “be happy” thing. Why should I get so down and upset when there is nothing but life going on around me, with its beautiful ups and downs? I can choose to understand that, for instance, Guy loves me, and he is dealing with his own stuff, and I can still enjoy the time I spend with him and not take away from that because of my own fear. I can choose to understand that I can be supportive to my mom and dad but I can’t change her condition by worrying or feeling bad. I can choose to be happy. I really can.

I tend to be skeptical of a lot of things…like online dating. Look where it got me! Or rather, who. Now I’m a cheerleader for online dating. Making a choice to be happy sounds like something a flower child would try. But you know, I think it’s worth a shot.

Who knows?

It might actually work.