writing is therapy

You might have gotten the impression from my last post that I was really depressed over the weekend. For the most part, that is true. Saturday pretty much sucked. I drove around town looking for a place to move since I’ve been feeling like I need a change of scenery, and the commute to my new job (along with the associated gas expense) scares me. Guy’s roommate and her boyfriend had invited some people over for a cookout on the rooftop terrace, and Guy had invited some of his friends too. I stopped by long enough to eat a cheeseburger and some potato salad, but I felt myself getting more and more depressed as I sat there, hiding behind my sunglasses, watching everyone else laugh and talk and be happy. After I said goodbye, I headed out to walk downstairs to my car. I turned around to give Guy a final wave, but he wasn’t looking. My heart sank, since I was used to him actually walking me to my car.

I drove around town for a while, thinking maybe I’d manage to kill another hour and Guy would be ready to get together since he’d been pushing back his ETA (estimated time of availability) all day. When I called him at the time he said he’d probably be finishing up—probably the fourth time I’d called him that day—he told me that things were still happening, some of his friends were bringing over their new puppy, and he’d probably be done in another hour and a half. I was welcome to come back over. I told him thanks, but I wasn’t really feeling up to it.

I decided to head home. I’d seen a couple of cute places but had decided to do more looking on Sunday. As I drove home, I felt that really sad, sick-to-your-stomach feeling you get when it seems like nothing is going your way and nobody loves you.

I moped around when I got home, and decided to give Guy a call when I suspected he’d be wrapping up, based on what he told me earlier. Whaddya know? “It’s still going on, and I’ve got some friends here….” he explained to me. At this point, I felt totally obliterated. I mean, I had started my day feeling really, really crappy, and the only thing I wanted to do was to see Guy and go get ice cream or see a movie or talk, and I felt like I was being given the royal brush-off. “Are you okay?” he asked me. I told him no, and when he asked what I wanted him to do, I told him I wanted him to come over. He told me he would try to make a graceful exit and head my way. After we hung up, the despair and desperation hit me like a ton of bricks. I bawled, sobbed, and cried like a baby into my pillow. It was good to cry so hard. Then, I got another phone call. It was Guy, telling me he was still trying to get away from the party. When he heard how upset I was, he said he had no choice but to leave right then and come see me. I tried to tell him he did have a choice, and that I didn’t want to take him away from his friends, but I probably wasn’t very convincing since I was near hysterics and in tears.

He did end up coming over. We talked, and even though we started out by saying we weren’t going to argue, it did at times get a little less than sweet. We didn’t fight or anything, but it was one of those tough, real conversations. At some point, it felt like talking wasn’t going to move us forward anymore, so I suggested we go see a movie. We went to Waffle House for a quick bite and jetted to the movie theater in time for the last showing of The Terminal, which was cute and entertaining, but a little contrived. Catherine Zeta-Jones looked beautiful, especially in the numerous scenes in which the sunlight shone brilliantly on her face, casting a radiant glow on her perfect skin and teary eyes. (How many times can someone’s eyes well up with tears and not have one single teardrop fall??)

Sunday, I went to yoga, thank goodness. I was feeling a lot better than I was on Saturday (thank goodness!). I tried Kundalini yoga for the first time, at my favorite yoga studio. I really enjoyed it. Only two students showed up, and I was the only new student, so it was almost like a private session and the instructor was wonderful. When I left yoga, I felt a lot more peaceful inside. I needed that.

After yoga, Guy accompanied me to lunch and to look at a few more places. It soon started to downpour—I’m talking about a massive rainstorm—so I dropped Guy off at his place so he could get some stuff inside that was left on the roof from the cookout. He also wasn’t feeling very good. It was like he was the other end of my emotional see-saw…since I was feeling more up, he was feeling more down.

I dropped him off and continued my search for a new place. I had been thinking of moving for a while, but the new job really gave me the kick in the pants I needed to make it really seem like a good idea now. I would be closer to work, and closer to my parents, which would make it easier to get down there more often. That’s important to me right now.

After I left Guy’s place, I went by an apartment complex that is near where he lives. I didn’t expect to like it but wanted to check it out since they were supposedly loft-style apartments. Well, I totally fell in love with them. The apartments are really, really cool—high ceilings, concrete floors and a nice open floorplan. However, there was practically no storage in the apartment and I read some reviews online that night that made me question the safety of the area and the complex itself, especially since I’m a single girl living alone.

Later that evening, Guy called me and I drove back into town to get some food with him. I really need to get my tires replaced soon. I was feeling the wet road slip out from beneath me pretty badly all weekend since it was so rainy. Anyway, we got some grub that night and I went back to my place.

Monday was quite a Monday. I was exhausted going into work. My weekend had not been very restful, you know? I’m realizing that wrapping things up at work before I leave entails a lot more work than I had expected, so I’ve been staying pretty busy. I took a quick break Monday afternoon to go look at a garden apartment in a super-cute neighborhood intown (where my yoga place is!), and I ended up liking it so much, I signed a lease and paid the deposit on the spot!

The apartment is kinda funky and old…weird blue office building carpet on the floors, appliances in that 70s yellow, and ugly panel office building ceilings. But there’s so much that I like about it—it’s bigger than my place now, with two bedrooms and two full bathrooms. There is a cute little brick patio out front, and a deck out back that overlooks the completely fenced backyard (which will be awesome for Kona!). The owners of the house have an adorable little Pomeranian, so Kona will have a little buddy when she’s there too.

I feel really good about the place, but it’s going to mean I have to watch my budget even more closely for a while since, while the condo is empty, I have to pay rent plus half the mortgage.

But I think it’s worth it—it’s going to be great being able to bike to work (it’s only a mile and a half from my new office…let’s see if I actually ever break out the bike and do that!), walk to yoga, and be closer to a lot of my friends.

Today, I headed to the apartment to check out a couch the departing tenant was interested in selling rather than moving. I took Guy with me so he could see the place too. I got to meet the landlord’s wife since she was on her way back from Myrtle Beach yesterday and wasn’t home when I came by. They are a really nice retired couple…so very nice, really. After Guy and I did a quick run through the apartment, they invited us to come sit on their front porch and chat. They have a big, beautiful old home with a huge front porch and six rocking chairs. We sat in the rocking chairs and chatted a bit, enjoying the cool evening weather, laughing as their dog anxiously watched people walk their dogs down the tree-lined street, and getting eaten by mosquitos. They gave us the history of the neighborhood and the mansions surrounding them, and told me what I could expect in the spring when the neighborhood has its annual tour of homes and festival. I think I’m really going to enjoy living there.

After we said goodbye to them, Guy and I drove around the area. Apparently he is thinking about moving too. I understand that feeling of wanting a change of pace, a change of scenery. It will be interesting if he decides to move…I wonder how that will affect him. I guess maybe we’ll see.

We went to get ice cream and, after driving around some more, to eat Mexican. After dinner, we headed to his place, where we ended up falling asleep. Before I drifted off, I watched Guy for a minute. Even when I’m that close to him—laying next to him with his arm around me—at times I feel so far away from him. I closed my eyes and fell asleep, waking briefly because I was cold. Guy got my a blanket and I fell back asleep, sleeping soundly until I heard, “Sabrina, I need to go to sleep.”

I woke up to find Guy sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at me with very tired eyes. I mumbled, “Okay,” and sat up. I slowly put my shoes on and very slowly walked downstairs with Guy following to walk me out. I was soooooo tired. I was pretty much dead asleep before he woke me up. He walked me to my car and we said goodnight. He asked me to call him when I got home. He called me about ten minutes into my drive to make sure I was okay. And he called me again right as I walked in the door to my place.

I know he cares about me and loves me. Everyday is still hard, though, because everyday there is something—whether it’s something little or something big—that reminds me that our relationship has changed and it’s not the way I want it to be. But still, I wait…hoping that my trust in him and faith in the kind of relationship I know we are capable of having means that I’m around to see him come through the other side of this a better person…a man who is ready to love me the way I am ready to love him.

We’ll see, I guess. Meanwhile, I’m off to bed.