my heart is breaking

I feel really, really crappy today. For some reason, even though it is beautiful and sunny outside, I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel very alone. I feel very sad.

Guy’s dogs died yesterday. They had been with his family for years and years. Their health took a turn for the worse and they had to be put down. He was very sad yesterday. This is the third time in less than a year I’ve seen him and his family experience loss. I don’t know if I’m doing what he needs me to do.

I feel like I don’t know anything.

One of my best friends sent me an e-mail today. I think she misunderstood something I wrote in my blog. Maybe it was my fault…maybe I worded something the wrong way or rambled a bit too much. In any case, I think I made her feel bad.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle sometimes.

I got my free oil change today and learned that my car needs $500 in new tires. Not exactly a pick-me-up, you know?

Guy tells me that if he chooses to be with me, that I will have nothing to worry about because it will mean that he really does choose me…that he really wants to be with me. If he chooses me. I’ve already made my choice. Now I wait.

In the meantime, I feel like my heart is slowly breaking, piece by piece, a little bit every day. If it’s not Guy, it’s something else, or feeling helpless about my family, or it’s me, tearing myself down.

I don’t know if I am strong enough to make it this time.

I’m so tired of crying….