I’ve learned lately that life can take a whole helluva lot of courage sometimes. Right now, for instance, my heart is in my stomach. Guy came over tonight, which I really appreciate because he wasn’t feeling 100% today. It has helped me to have some company and someone to talk to. Jason came over and brought Kona home tonight too, so it’s nice having a little furry love from the tiny chocolate monster as well.
Twenty or thirty minutes ago, Guy got a call on his cell phone. It’s someone from his past. And the reason he’s been having such a rough time lately.
He went to his car to take the call. I have no idea when he’ll be back, and if I should just curl up and try to go to sleep or what.
I know I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep though.
Dealing with all the stuff that is going on with my mom has demanded a lot of courage from me. Sometimes, I feel like I can totally handle it and I’m not stressing about it. Other times, I feel like I’m about to lose it, and like I’m not doing my job as my parents’ only child.
My mom was released from the hospital last night. I don’t know how I feel about that. Actually, I do know how I feel. I don’t like it. I don’t think it was a good idea to let her go so soon. Last night, I was talking to my dad before he headed over for the only hour of the day allowed for visiting. I told him he should talk to the doctor and nurses about the fact that my mom was talking about dying—maybe she needed to be kept there until they felt she was safe to go home. About twenty minutes later, my dad called me back and told me they had decided to release her. He had called my mom, and he told her my concerns about her going home too soon. She got quiet for a while, and then she said “Uh huh.”
After their conversation ended, my dad got a call a few minutes later from my mom. She said, “Don’t say anything about me coming home too early,” asking my dad not to discuss those concerns with the staff.
My dad said that when he arrived at the hospital, he did have a chance to speak with her doctor. This doctor, who is not the same doctor as her normal psychiatrist (who practices on another side of town and was too far away for the emergency care she needed over the weekend)…well, this doctor doesn’t think my mom is bipolar after all. He thinks she is paranoid delusional. He has her on some medications, including lithium, but he plans to wean her off that eventually.
I asked my dad how he thought this doctor compared to her usual doctor. He said that this one does seem to take more interest in my mom’s case, which is encouraging, I suppose.
Anyway, mom is home now. I spoke to her last night after they got home, and she sounded okay. Not good, or even well, really…but okay. She seems kinda drugged up and slow. She apologized to me, and when I said, “What for?”, she responded, “Everything…you know, what happened.”
It makes me sad.
I just want her to be okay.
I do wonder if her accusations that my dad has been cheating on her for 30 years stems from this paranoid delusional stuff. There is this thing called delusional jealousy which sounds like it could fit. The description of the condition even says it can occur after neurological illness, which was the reason for my mom’s brain surgery a few years ago.
I met with my therapist today. I had to cancel on her last week, so it had been about three weeks since I last saw her. We had a lot to talk about! Since the last time I saw her, I’ve had the trip to Jamaica, thinking Guy was dead in the street, Guy dealing with some painful stuff from the past, accepting new job, quitting old job, and my mom going to the emergency room and being hospitalized.
Yes, it’s been a rough few weeks.
Anyway, it was soooo helpful, as usual. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: everyone should be in therapy. It rocks.
She helped me work through the fact that I cannot make everything better for my parents. My mom coming to live with me would not be good for either of us. I shouldn’t feel responsible for my mom and dad’s happiness just because I am their only child.
And I shouldn’t be afraid to take a chance on Guy…to hope he comes through his rough spot a better, stronger person for it. The kind of person who really wants to be with me.
He’s still out in his car. It’s been almost an hour.
I’m going to try to go to sleep.
